Friday, January 25, 2013

the weeding...

or how to ensure no response to your online dating profile

If in any of your pictures, you are:
  • Holding a fish … WHY?
  • Wearing a hat backwards … this says so much about you and the frat boy that you are
  • Not wearing a shirt, especially if you are very fit … would you sit at a bar drinking your Coor’s Light with your shirt off?
  • Posing with your car or truck … especially if said car is an ostentatious model or you could walk under said truck
  • Making bedroom eyes … gross!
  • Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, unless, of course …. never mind; there is no good reason you should ever wear one of those

If you say:
  • You are witty, clever, funny … show; don’t tell!
  • You love to laugh … who hates to laugh, dumbass?!
  • Anything that implicitly or explicitly states you don’t need to be doing this … why so defensive?
  • Anything that implicitly or explicitly states that you don’t have the confidence to be doing this … being single sucks; we’re all in this together.  Chin up, buddy!
  • You haven’t subscribed, thereby leaving it up to your potential suitors to find a way to find an indirect way to contact you … pay up, tightass!

If you:
  • Use the acronym “LOL” anywhere, for any reason … that seriously makes me want to kick you in the teeth.
  • Have not posted even one picture … are you fucking kidding me? 
  • Post pictures that could be in an art show titled “The Pretentious Ass Who Went Out and Did All Kinds of Fascinating Things” … it’s awesome that you’re into going to cool places and doing cool things, but when you post seventeen of these, it just makes you look like an obnoxious show-off.
  • Try to connect with something in my profile of which you have no idea to what I’m referring …. then again, maybe if you are as cleverly witty as you say you are, you’ll surprise me.
  • Send an email that simply says, “What’s up?”, “How are you?”, “How’s your week going?” or any other statements of that ilk … seriously, has that ever worked?
  • Are clearly old enough to be my father and/or have children I could have had as high school classmates … perv!  I’m sure there’s a site catered to people like you.  Go there.
  • Send me a second message asking me why I didn’t respond to your first one … this just makes me sad for you.